I have been dealing with anxiety since I was a junior in high school. It all started with having to apply for college. This was the moment when I realized I wasn’t good enough for college. I didn’t have a high enough g.p.a, I didn’t do enough extra curricular activities and I didn’t have the motivation to even fill out the fucking paperwork. I honestly thought in high school that everything would work out, as long as I graduate and then I would become some major success story that everyone was jealous of. This was the moment that I found out I was so fucking wrong. No college wanted me and my mom was tired of paying the application fees. So community college here I come. Which seemed to just add to my anxiety, because already in my life I was not exactly where I planned to be. I made the best out of it and by the end of those two years I can seriously mark it up to one of the better experiences of my life. So my anxiety was pretty much gone even as I moved on to a university and got my bachelors because I felt like I was doing something, moving towards something, life was good. Then I graduated, and I am pretty sure a train has been moving back and forth across my chest ever since. I am a ticking time bomb and once my anxiety gets bad it is bad for days. My temper is not a good combination with anxiety and this doesn’t help me with my relationships with friends and family. The only people that truly understand anxiety is other people who deal with it in their lives. So most people do not understand why you are acting the way you are.
Fast forward to 4 years later and I just found a job that sort of uses my major. So that was 4 years of applying to jobs, going on job interviews and waitressing I was about ready to give up. I came upon my current job on a whim and its crazy how it worked out. Just a side note I truly do believe you just have to be patience with yourself and everything happens in due time. But seriously try telling that to my 23 year old self who is 30,000 dollars in debt from a communications media studies degree (I basically learned how to make movies). I was so down on myself and it only got worse as time went on. Whats funny is now that I have the job, I just have a different set of problems, so what the fuck. My anxiety is about different things now and the train is still there. I have come to the conclusion that there is no getting rid of my anxiety, but I need to make sure I take care of myself so it doesn’t get out of control.
So to my readers, you are not alone in feelings like everything you are doing is not working, and you just want to fast forward in your life to a time when you are happy. All I can say is you need to push through and accept that life is a shit box and pretty much everything path you try to take will turn out with a crazy amount of problems, but take it on like a boss and never stop trying.