Dating

Who has the time to date?

Here you are in your late 20s, you have a career that you spend most of your time at each day. You may have a couple of dogs and a cat that need a lot of attending to. You might have a kid or two that you are trying to raise without much help from the other parent. You probably either own or rent your own place that needs to be cleaned. You have a solid group of friends that always seem to have something going on each weekend. You are also more involved in your family than ever, because you are now old enough to get invited to everything, and I mean everything your aunts and uncles do. The list could seriously go on and on about what us as adults are supposed to accomplish in any given week, no wonder we all have addiction problems in one way or another we need to fucking tap out for a god damn second. So you try to add dating a new person in the mix and it seems impossible to find any time to get to know a complete stranger. Really out of each day, after you get everything done you wanted to you probably only have maybe 3 hours max to just “hang out” and some days I am so sick and tired of people that it drains me to even think about keeping my makeup on past 8pm.

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So how do we go about this? I have been trying to figure this out for quite some time now and my answer lately has been to just give up. When you only see a person maybe once or twice a week even if I have texted them all day, everyday, and throw in a goodnight phone call that is not enough for me. I lost interest because I can’t seem to get emotionally involved with someone I barely see. It is so hard to get to know someone over the phone I honestly don’t know how people have long distance relationships. By definition as a girl I should love to talk but what I enjoy about getting to know a person is all the little things. Like what they look like when they walk and how they hold the stirring wheel when they drive or how their face looks when they laugh. Don’t get me wrong knowing their favorite food and their hobbies are important too, but that is not something I am going to fall in love with. I only start to feel safe in a relationship when I know that if they give a certain face what it means, and that my friends is only something you can learn by being around someone….a lot.

So as you can assume dating for me the fucking worst! I myself have a dog and a cat, I rent my own apartment and I work 2 jobs so I might have a one day off a week, but sometimes I just pick up a shift at the restaurant anyways, because I get bored at home. I like to stay busy, so I hang out with a lot of friends all the time and there always seems to be a friend that I haven’t seen in a while that wants to meet up. In the summer good fucking luck! Every single fucking week is a shit show! I have a big family that is decently close and it is always someones birthday or graduation or it’s just good bonfire weather. I am a party girl if you haven’t gathered from my other posts, so very quickly I get booked up with drunken escapades. I have also become quite a spontaneous person because of this. If I am out and my friends are about to leave me or if I am at a bar by your house you will probably be getting a tipsy call from me to come on over. I rarely make actual plans with anyone because most of the time when it comes to showing up for those plans I just wont want to. Plus I have a hard time letting anyone in because flat out I have major commitment and trust issues, but who doesn’t nowadays. You go through life long enough dating, and dating, and more dating you get fucked up at some point along the way.

Priorities is the key. How badly do you want a relationship? Are you willing to give up time with your friends and family to get one? Are you willing to lose sleep, lose time with your dog and most importantly are you willing to lose time watching Netflix? It honestly depends on the day for me. Really all I want is someone to come over to my apartment, drink some wine with me and make me laugh, everyday. I want things to be simple even when I know they can’t always be.

So the answer to me own question is take the situation day by day. If it feels like you are putting more work into it than the other party than get out! Don’t waste your precious time on people who don’t value it. Adulting can be seriously hard at times and mostly always a pain in the ass but unfortunately we grew up whether we like it or not, so as long as we can keep our ducks in a row and give up some Netflix time maybe one day we can find someone worth giving up our sleep as well.

Never give up time with your dog!

That's life I guess

Life after 25

I have gone back and forth many times about what I want this blog to be truly about. Who are the people I want to reach the most. I thought I wanted to tell stories about the stupid things I do so that other people could relate and maybe  not feel so alone, and I still want to do that, but the one common thing I want to talk about on this blog is being in your late 20s and single.

This seems like a large topic, which is good.  There are so many things that have changed in my life since I have turned 25 while being single is not one of them because that is nothing new for me, but things have definitely shifted.

For starters I have been to about 6 weddings since I turned 25 and mind you I am only 26. So naturally my grandma and grandpa have made it their job to remind me how important it is to find someone that “truly cares about you”. My friends are getting fucking pregnant on purpose, which still blows my mind. I mean I can barely force myself to shower every other day, I can’t imagine having a little human person that depends on me every second of the day. It is no longer acceptable to drink on week nights (WTF), and closing a bar down just isn’t heard of even on the weekends. These are just a few examples to get me started. So you know, I am over here living at my parents, no kids, and I still think corporate jobs are overrated.  Did I mention also single, like very single, like I don’t know if I believe I have a soulmate single?

The biggest thing I noticed for myself after my quarter of a century birthday is it was way easier to get fat! Thank father time, you asshole. Now it takes me 2 weeks to lose a pound and 1 hour to gain it back. Also I use to be able to drink anyone under the table and still walk my drunk ass home, and now I am in my “black out phase” as I like to call it (well I hope it’s just a phase). It does not matter how high my drinking tolerance is, I still blackout after a certain point and it’s the fucking worse! My old brain gets confused and just stops working, like it’s trying to tell me “bitch you’re fucking old, when are you going to learn that drinking this much is not good.” So instead I get in more trouble, I have gotten in more fights, talked to more cops, and peed my pants more times after the age of 25 then I did when I was 21 in fucking college. Ain’t that some shit!

Next, all of a sudden everyone is into being healthy, working out, and eating right. Like ok I get it you go to the gym on a regular basis, yay for fucking you! Shouldn’t we have always been doing these things? Your not fucking special, the only thing you are going to get is a participation ribbon and a few extra likes on your gym photo if you end up at the gym 6 times a week. I cant say to much because I did jump on this rollercoaster as well, but I don’t tell anyone or post pictures. Mostly I don’t want to get held accountable to go to the gym every single god damn week, because once people find out where you workout they want to use you as motivation and they count on you to go with them, believe me it’s a whole thing.

The next big difference I have noticed is it is no long ok to be a waitress. No joke the day I turned 25 I got the question “So what do you want to do for a career?”. I would always answer “I don’t know….. be a waitress.” Seriously what is so wrong with that. When I am at the restaurant I work hard, I get to talk to people, and I make a hell of a lot more money than I would at any entry level job. Down sides are there is no room for advancement and realistically it is not a job you would normally want to do all the way up until you retire. Anyways because everyone around me was making this into a big deal I didn’t feel like I was dong enough, like I was just settling. I got actually depressed people! I got depressed about something that other people were telling me I needed in my life. To me I was living the fucking dream! I was working with 3 of my best friends who I had served with for years. My boss was inappropriate, but hilarious and I was making fat cash, and most days I only had to work 5 or 6 hours tops. See the fucking dream! I had free time to travel and be with my friends and family and I was in the process of becoming a manager. But still because of everyone around me I felt that is wasn’t enough. Even though I was living the life I wanted to live probably drank a bit to much, but I was happy most days. To me the only thing I needed to do was make enough to get out of my parents house and boom! my life was complete. But because of my upbringing and basically everyone I know screaming in my ear about finding a career. I got myself a very sexy 9-5 job at a startup website marketing company as a coordinator. I very quickly realized how much I fucking hate desk jobs! I fucking hate working for other people, helping them build their dreams. What’s sad to me is everyone has an idea but very few people have the means or motivation to get up off their asses and start something, so I’m just the schumk that didn’t get up off my ass, so I’m stuck here working for someone that did. I hated myself! I didn’t fit in at all because I am not use to having to worry about being “work appropriate”, so I had to watch what I would say at all times and cussing is out of the question. My butt actually hurt at the end of the fucking day! My butt! Never thought I would say those words. I felt like I was losing my wit and sense a humor little by little each day. Now if you haven’t noticed that I am speaking about this job in the past tense, so i feel like I should mention I am still at this job. Thank you society! Some pros about the job is I pretty much watch youtube videos all day and I got the time to sit down and start this blog!  I guess sometimes you gotta do things you don’t necessarily want to do, but in the end I feel like I am trying to go somewhere even though I actually am not moving forward at all.

As I am moving into present tense I feel like its important to talk about the living situations after 25. Your options consist of living with your significant other, a roommate, your parents, or your god damn self. Significant other would be great if I fucking had one, the roommate thing is fun but at the same time the fucking worse for many reasons, your parents even if they are great still is never a place you want to be and by yourself is the tits, but also can be lonely. So for the last year and some months I have been hanging at the rents crib, some to save money other because I have a dog and a cat and no one will rent to me and last because my roommate moved in with her boyfriend. One great thing about staying at my parents is I got to be lost. I got to travel and save money and apply to jobs and go on interviews and even turn down jobs because I didn’t have to worry about paying rent. Such a cool opportunity right? Yes and no, because did I fully accept this opportunity? No, I mostly partied my little ass off and ate a shit load of food my mom bought for me. So am I lazy? No I am not, just completely unmotivated. It is damn hard to find something that makes you want to wake up in the morning, and if you have something work everyday on that shit because I don’t know if you understand how rare that is!

So basically living at my parents was helping me save money, but not helping me move forward in life. To be honest before moving back to my parents, when I lived with a roommate it was the same shit, no motivation to be anything better. I had someone to party with and go get food with and talk to. I could pay my rent most months and I had a beer pong table. Once again living the god damn dream, up until she got a boyfriend and was never around anymore. But I was still stuck in the same place doing the same things. I really just needed to grow up but when I had to move back to my parents, I did the opposite of that. So for a solid 6 months I was putting feelers out there to find myself my own place. I needed this, I needed to be independent and pay rent again no matter how much I hated giving money to a place I will never own.

So back to the present, I found a dump of a place and have officially moved all my shit in. The rain might of ruined my mattress and the electricity was still turned off (because seriously moving into this place was the definition of Murphy’s law), but it’s all mine. On one hand I’m freaked, I have only lived by myself once after my ex boyfriend and I broke up. I ended up stayeding in our one bedroom apartment for 6 months after, but then on the other hand I am so excited to be back to just me. I can shower and walk out the bathroom naked and I can have boys over! Since I was living at my parents I would have to say my love life was on hold.

So all of these problems occur when someone is stuck in the in between stages of life. I am not settled, but I am old enough that I could be. So everyone has a fucking opinion. Why is it so hard to just stop looking at other people’s lives and just live my own? Why do I have to care what other people have to say about how I choose to do things? Life is a bitch ain’t it?! And to everyone who is reading this who can relate maybe even a little bit, I just want to say try your hardest to stop! Fuck everyone! Seriously do what makes you happy and live your god damn life. Because I know this is cliche, but we only get one chance and that my friends scares the shit out of me! All I know is I don’t want to be lying on my death bed wishing I would’ve done something different. I want to know I lived my life for me! On my own terms and for fuck sakes I was generally happy!

Hopefully one day I will listen to my own advice.

That's life I guess

People Leave

One thing among many that sucks as you get older are when people leave. I don’t mean people leaving because something has happen between you two, I mean the kind of leaving where everything is perfectly fine and someone just wants something different in their life. Maybe a new location, or a new group of friends or they need to do this to become who they want to be. It sucks because you will always want the best thing for this person and you honestly hope they get everything they want out of life, but there is always a sting that comes with the leaving. A hole gets punched inside of you and it never fills up again, you just learn to live with the hole, differently. You try to be as supportive as possible, but you still cant seem to help but be upset with this person for leaving this hole inside of you. It really isn’t fair until you think that you might have that same effect on other people and you yourself might have left a hole inside someone else, forever. As I have gotten older this feeling has happen more to me than my body can probably take. I have so many god damn holes inside me I feel overwhelmed at times. I scroll through social media and all of a sudden I get stopped by a picture of a girl who use to be a best friend of mine or a picture of an ex boyfriend hanging out at a bar with people who use to be my friends too. Even my current best friend who has moved away for work, or my cousin who had moved to another state to find herself. I hate to tell everyone, but this doesn’t go away, this feeling doesn’t get easier. Missing people is the worst kind of sadness. It’s that weird in between feeling of knowing you are going to be okay and completing wanting to cry, or it’s the longing for the old days when they were down the street from you and you were both single and young. Who doesn’t miss those days? When it’s the people that might of gotten you through some hard times and now they are leaving on an adventure without you, you can’t help but feel more alone than ever. And I know these feelings are somewhat selfish of me to feel. Why cant I just be happy for them and feel joy that they are doing good or I am doing better without them? No matter what people around you will leave physically, but not always emotionally and those are the ones worth crying over.

Good Luck Angela.

Anxiety · Uncategorized

A touch on my anxiety

I have been dealing with anxiety since I was a junior in high school.  It all started with having to apply for college. This was the moment when I realized I wasn’t good enough for college. I didn’t have a high enough g.p.a, I didn’t do enough extra curricular activities and I didn’t have the motivation to even fill out the fucking paperwork.  I honestly thought in high school that everything would work out, as long as I graduate and then I would become some major success story that everyone was jealous of. This was the moment that I found out I was so fucking wrong.  No college wanted me and my mom was tired of paying the application fees. So community college here I come. Which seemed to just add to my anxiety, because already in my life I was not exactly where I planned to be. I made the best out of it and by the end of those two years I can seriously mark it up to one of the better experiences of my life. So my anxiety was pretty much gone even as I moved on to a university and got my bachelors because I felt like I was doing something, moving towards something, life was good. Then I graduated, and I am pretty sure a train has been moving back and forth across my chest ever since. I am a ticking time bomb and once my anxiety gets bad it is bad for days.  My temper is not a good combination with anxiety and this doesn’t help me with my relationships with friends and family. The only people that truly understand anxiety is other people who deal with it in their lives. So most people do not understand why you are acting the way you are.

Fast forward to 4 years later and I just found a job that sort of uses my major.  So that was 4 years of applying to jobs, going on job interviews and waitressing I was about ready to give up. I came upon my current job on a whim and its crazy how it worked  out. Just a side note I truly do believe you just have to be patience with yourself and everything happens in due time. But seriously try telling that to my 23 year old self who is 30,000 dollars in debt from a communications media studies degree (I basically learned how to make movies). I was so down on myself and it only got worse as time went on. Whats funny is now that I have the job, I just have a different set of problems, so what the fuck. My anxiety is about different things now and the train is still there. I have come to the conclusion that there is no getting rid of my anxiety, but I need to make sure I take care of myself so it doesn’t get out of control.

So to my readers, you are not alone in feelings like everything you are doing is not working, and you just want to fast forward in your life to a time when you are happy. All I can say is you need to push through and accept that life is a shit box and pretty much everything path you try to take will turn out with a crazy amount of problems, but take it on like a boss and never stop trying.

Uncategorized

My first blog post

Hi all!

So this is going to be a of all over the place kind of blog. I am taking all my interests, my thoughts, my hobbies, and my life experiences and writing them down. My goal for this blog is to let people know they are not alone out there in this messed up beautiful world. Hopefully I can teach you something, or make you laugh, or just help you pass time throughout your day.

Yes, this blog is not just about me and my wonderful, crazy half pitbull, half german shepherd dog named Itus (the greek god of protection), but we do go on lots of adventures so there will be many pictures and stories to come!